No Way Out
by Legendarily Quiet
Summary: Edward is trapped in a most horrible place with no means of escape. Will anyone come to his rescue? Rated T for language. One-shot.


**Lest:** Hello everyone, I would like to introduce . . . Legendarily Quiet!

**Legendarily Quiet: **. . . You don't have to do that.

**Lest: **Oh, but I do! If it wasn't for me, there would never be anything else posted besides the actual story! You're too shy!

**L.Q: **. . .

**Lest: **Exactly!

**L.Q: **You've got it wrong . . . I just don't like to talk much . . . I'm a quiet person.

**Lest: **. . . OH! I UNDERSTAND NOW!

**L.Q: **. . .

**Lest: **Ok, I understand my purpose in life now. MOVING ON! Everyone please take pity on Legendarily Quiet, she's new on this site and this is her very first fanfiction. She'd really like everyone to enjoy the story, but constructive criticism and feedback is appreciated.

**L.Q: **. . .

**Lest: **So yeah, enjoy the story!

**L.Q: **. . . !

**Lest: **Am I forgetting something?

**L.Q: **. . . The disclaimer . . .

**Lest: **You should do it.

**L.Q: **. . .

**Lest: **C'mon, hurry up and SPEAK TO YOUR AUDIENCE. This is dragging on too long!

**L.Q: DISCLAIMER: I do not own FullMetal Alchemist.**

**Lest: **See? That wasn't too bad.

**L.Q: ***panting*

* * *

No Way Out

_There was no way out. _Despite being a child prodigy, having wicked fighting skills, and being an alchemy genius, Edward Elric could see no way out of this. He was trapped. Out of all the situations he had been in – all the life-threatening, traumatizing, horrific situations – this was the _worst._

He was hiding for his life. If he was found, he knew he would find himself at the gate before he even had a chance to send a telepathic apology to Al. It was that dangerous. Ed frowned, there _had _to be a way out of this – there was no way he was dying before he got his brother's body back!

He peered through a gap in his hiding place to assess the situation. They were all milling around, docile now, but Ed knew they would rip him to shreds in a heartbeat as soon as they were aware of his presence.

In the beginning (10 minutes ago), he had watched the exit like a hawk, determined to make his escape the moment the coast was clear. But when the last one had finally left and he had been about to unlock the stall door, _another _would walk in. Not all of them even came to _use_ the bathroom! They would look at themselves in the mirror, or gossip about this handsome man or other.

That's right. The FullMetal Alchemist was trapped in the bathroom. The _women's _bathroom.

Edward gritted his teeth in frustration. Damn that waiter who had condemned him to this place!

Ed had been eating in the restaurant with Alphonse (or, to be more accurate, Edward had been eating, and Al had been talking to him), when suddenly he had felt the need to use the bathroom. He should have been expecting it; sitting on a train for eight hours has a tendency to make one seek the restroom at the soonest possible moment after reaching their destination. Hunger had somehow overpowered the feeling of a full bladder though, and Ed hadn't realized that he was absolutely _bursting _until halfway through the meal. Thus he had leapt up from the table like the ninja he was, and all but flew off to find the washroom. _Luckily, _a passing waiter had realized his serious emergency and had directed him to the washroom. It was only after he had finished his business that Edward realized he was in the wrong bathroom.

Ed seethed with anger. The waiter had thought he was a _girl! _But he supposed in his hurry, the only thing the waiter would've glimpsed was a flash of long blond hair . . . Damn it! How the hell was he going to get out of here?

Edward forced himself to calm down. He had gotten himself out of terrible situations before by using his brain; he would put his brain to use now. Hmm . . . he could alchemize the floor and travel underground until he was out of the restaurant! But there were pipes down there . . . he didn't want to accidently break one and encounter the substances that got flushed down the toilet. Ed shuddered just thinking about.

Al! His brother would eventually get worried if he didn't return in a while, and would come looking for him. But again, he was in the wrong bathroom! There was no way Alphonse would enter the women's bathroom, no matter how worried he was for Edward.

What if he just made a break for it? Edward mentally slapped himself; what kind of stupid idea was that? Ed was reckless, but he wasn't suicidal.

"Excuse Miss, but are you alright in there?" Someone suddenly knocked on his stall door. Edward's breath hitched. Crap, they were on to him_. _"I noticed you've been in there since I came in, are you okay?"

Were women always this nosy? What happened to privacy? He was in a _bathroom stall _for crying out loud!

"Are you in trouble? Has that time of the month caught you unawares?" The woman on the other side of the door persisted, "There's no need to be embarrassed, dear. I can offer you assistance."

What. The. Fuck. Edward had no idea what this lady was talking about, but there was no way in hell he was opening the door.

The woman knocked on the stall door again. Her voice was laced with concern. "Miss? Are you alright in there? Please say something to let me know you're alright."

Crap. Edward had to say something now before this got out of hand. "I'm fine," he said in the softest, highest pitch voice he could muster, "Please just leave me alone." Unfortunately, his efforts only seemed to worry the woman more. Maybe he should've left out that last part.

The woman's worry was now drawing the attention of the other women in the bathroom. Ed heard multiple heels click to stand outside his door, accompanied by concerned voices.

"Is something wrong?"

"Is she alright in there?"

"If it's about a boy dear, you've got a shoulder to cry on right here."

"If it's a face crisis, I have a complete make-up set you can use! I'm also a professional!"

The FullMetal Alchemist was scared. He slowly shuffled into a corner of the stall, beside the toilet. There was no way he was going to escape now. Maybe he could somehow write his will on toilet paper . . .

"Excuse me, sorry, coming through!" A voice rang above the din. A familiar voice. Edward felt a sinking feeling deep in the pit of his stomach. Well, at least death by bullet was quicker than sharp finger nails.

"I'm sorry, but could I ask everyone to please clear the area? My daughter is in there and I'm afraid she won't come out unless everyone else leaves."

Edward's eyes widened hopefully. Could this be true? Would they finally all leave? To his delight, he heard the clicking of heels as the woman hurriedly left the bathroom with cries of 'feel better soon' and 'never forget you're beautiful.' How they could say that after only hearing him speak once and not even seeing his face, Edward would never know.

Soon the bathroom was utterly silent.

"You can come out now Edward."

Edward gulped. Maybe staying in this stall wasn't so bad, if that meant he could be saved from utter humiliation. But there was simply no escaping it; he had to face it like a man, if only for Al's sake. Ed slid the lock to the side and pushed open the door tentatively.

Lieutenant Hawkeye stood there stiff and straight, her face a mask of seriousness. "Alphonse directed me here," she said simply, "He was quite agitated when I ran into him and begged me to save you from certain death."

Ah. So Alphonse hadn't abandoned him after all. It was nice to know that Ed could count on him no matter what. He felt his face stretch into a grin at the thought.

"I'll make no further comment," Hawkeye said, bringing him back to earth. "But I don't expect to see you in here ever again."

Edward flushed a deep crimson and nodded sheepishly. "Yes, Ma'am."

Hawkeye gave a curt nod, and Ed silently thanked her for not making a big deal out of the whole thing. She strode across the room purposely and inched open the bathroom door, peering through the crack. She then beckoned to Ed and he hastened to follow, eager to get out of the hellhole.

Edward breathed a sigh of relief as they walked back toward the dining section of the restaurant. He had survived another traumatic, life-threatening situation! Surely he could handle _anything _now.

Then the FullMetal Alchemist remembered his manners. He shot Hawkeye a look of gratitude. "Thanks Lieutenant," he said, "I owe you one."

"You're welcome Edward," Hawkeye gave him a small smile, "And don't worry about it, you will pay more than your debt in just a moment."

Edward furrowed his brow in confusion. "What do you me –"

"Hey, FullMetal!"

Edward's breath stopped. Oh. Hell. No. Mustang and his entire crew were sitting at his not-so-recently-vacated table. Havoc and Breda were full out laughing at him, gasping for air. Fuery was looking down at his hands, and Al looked like he wanted to flee, while Falman was doing his best not to show any emotion on his face, though anyone could see he was doing his best to hide a smile. And Mustang . . . Oh god, his smirk was more pronounced than ever, and a predatory gleam was in his eyes.

"What took you so long, FullMetal? Were you busy doing your hair and makeup? I suppose it must've been difficult to look over the countertop, with your short stature."

Ed felt like his face was on fire. He was coloured a deep red, whether from embarrassment or anger, he wasn't too sure. All he knew was that somebody was definitely going to die, the only question was: would it be Mustang, or himself?

Alphonse, being the not-idiot he was, decided to give in to his instincts and flee the scene. Good thing too, because the antics of Mustang's team had caught the attention of the other diners, who had caught the gist and were now starting to chuckle too.

Edward quickly looked up at Hawkeye and saw – to his horror – that she was shaking with silent laughter, tears rolling down her face. Everything escalated from there.

"THE FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST GOT TRAPPED IN THE WOMEN'S BATHROOM!" Havoc bellowed, now on the floor, rolling around in laughter.

Even Fuery could no longer contain himself and started giggling. Falman decided to follow in Al's footsteps and promptly left to use the restroom. The only people who weren't laughing openly at this point were the waiter – who was too busy cowering in a corner – and Mustang, who was in fact, snickering behind his hand.

That's it. Screw them all; Edward was going to get out of here now! He whirled around, but found himself practically surrounded. The name 'FullMetal' was always enough to get the complete and undivided attention of everyone in the vicinity, and now people were crowding around him, pointing and laughing and commenting on how he might just actually be a woman. Gosh. You would think people would be more mature than this!

Edward, eyes wide with desperation, frantically scanned the room. There had to be a way to escape; there had to be a door, a window, or an air-vent _somewhere._

Laughter assaulted him from all directions, and he remained rooted to the spot. Hawkeye had left his side long ago, and standing alone in his complete and utter humiliation, Edward realized that there was no way out.

Alphonse was probably taking refuge with cats somewhere, oblivious to what was happening. There was no one to save him now.

Crappity crap crap.

* * *

**Lest: **WHOA! I never knew you were such a potty mouth.

**L.Q: **. . . Not me . . . Ed.

**Lest: **If you say so. Anyway, I hope everyone enjoyed that! Anything else you would like to add, Legendarily Quiet?

**L.Q: **. . . Uh, I'm not going to ask you to leave a review.

**Lest: **YEAH RIGHT! Isn't that what you just did by mentioning it in the first place?

**L.Q: **. . . Goodbye.

**Lest: **Wait! I'm sorry, don't go!

**: **. . . .

**Lest: **Um, okay. I'll talk in her stead. If you can, please leave a review. Legendarily Quiet does not have anyone to edit her work - the only way I contribute is by keeping her company here - so if anyone has any tips or anything, she would appreciate them. So . . . that's all. Thank-you for your time. Next time, I'll make sure Legendarily Quiet doesn't run away.


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